More Than Conquerors: Who's Afraid of the Big, Bully Boss? Not You!

So, for a variety of reasons, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, and particularly about the role fear plays in the workplace.

For you see, your typical workplace is simply chock full of fearful folks at all levels and within all types of positions.

Fear of:

• Being found out;
• Losing face;
• Losing power/position;
• Being ostracized;
• Losing the ability to provide for oneself and/or one’s family;
• Losing approval

And probably some stuff I haven’t thought of.

And it’s too bad.

Because evil people use fear to keep good people “in their place.”  To keep good people from:

• Talking;
• Thinking;
• Questioning;
• Challenging, and

 … even, reaching out to other good people, if only to provide comfort or validation.

Well, the whole thing makes me angry, I won’t lie.

And so, while I don’t normally (on this blog anyway) mix my faith in Jesus and my views about work, today I will.

Today, I’d like to remind every Christian toiling in a crappy workplace that 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

One commentary on this scripture says that “It is a grave reminder to Christians of every age and degree that all cowardice, all dread of danger, all shrinking from doing one’s duty for fear of man’s displeasure, proceeds not from the Spirit of God.”

So be encouraged. If you’re a Christian, and you’re (for example) suffering under a self-loving boss who uses intimidation, confusion, and fear to advance her dirty work, there’s no reason for you to fear (even if you’ve been caught in the cross hairs).

Your boss is the one who should be quaking in her boots, if only she had a clue about whom she’s pitted herself against. (That would be God, not you—just wanted to make that clear.)

And let’s face it. If you, as a Christian, are as fearful as the unbelievers in your midst, then what good is your faith? I’m just asking. 

Listen, I know it’s hard. Fear is a very powerful emotion. That’s why it works so well as an intimidation tactic.

But what did Mathew say?

He said, “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” (Matthew 10:28)

So again, please be encouraged. God truly is a God of justice. And like Paul said (Romans 8: 31): “What then shall we say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?”

Not your nasty boss, that’s for sure.

When Your Boss Is in Love with Herself

Quick—what kind of boss insists that everyone like her?

Here's a hint. Maybe she's also the kind that:

• Thinks entirely too highly of herself and her abilities.
• Thinks entirely too poorly of others and their abilities.
• Feels entitled to encroach on others’ boundaries in the most casual yet persistent of ways.
• Lies almost as often as she blinks.
• Uses both covert and overt aggression to control others.

OMG. Who is this beast??

She’s your typical corporate narcissist, that’s who!

(If you guessed correctly, I’m afraid I don’t have a prize for you, despite that fact that I know you really, really could use one, if you work for or around this person. I’m sorry.)

George Simon, PhD, whom I’ve mentioned more than once on this blog, has published some of the best advice about narcissism and the narcissistic boss I’ve ever read. I'll be referring to his work throughout this post.

What’s a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Here’s the definition from Psychology Today (pay special attention to the sections in bold):  

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration—all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment ...

Narcissists tend to have high self-esteem. However, narcissism is not the same thing as self-esteem; people who have high self-esteem are often humble, whereas narcissists rarely are. It was once thought that narcissists have high self-esteem on the surface, but deep down they are insecure. However, the latest evidence indicates that narcissists are actually secure or grandiose at both levels. Onlookers may infer that insecurity is there because narcissists tend to be defensive when their self-esteem is threatened (e.g., being ridiculed). Narcissists can be aggressive ..."

Now why did I highlight those sections? Because that “old school” thinking about narcissists being scared little kiddies under their abrasive exteriors could make you vulnerable to their manipulation and get in the way of you taking care of yourself until it’s too late.

So forget that BS. Narcissists are dangerous, and you better approach one knowing it.

The Narcissistic Boss

A narcissistic coworker (especially one with some sway) can be very difficult to work with. A narcissistic boss can make work a living hell. 

Narcissistic bosses hog the limelight, don’t enjoy the sound of anyone’s voice as much as their own, clamp down on the free flow of information, blather on about themselves and their opinions all damn day long, always have to be right, can’t take any criticism, and engage in endless manipulation tactics, including never-ending rounds of impression management.

Horrible.

In a sense, we have no one but ourselves to blame, because narcissists have a way of charming us with their stories and their confidence, which is why so many narcissists are responsible for directing the work of others, God help us all.

But aside from the fact that narcissists—with their outright lies, fake protests of innocence, and ridiculous sense of entitlement—can make you want to slap the shit out of them, they can be terribly incompetent leaders, too.

A 2011 study by Nevicka et al, and published in Psychological Science, found that narcissistic leaders “reduced information sharing among groups, which led to worse group performance."

But wait. These guys are so good at impression management, researchers also found that group perception was that the narcissists were doing a bang-up job.  

Nevicka et al postulate that this perception likely changes over time, with team members becoming less and less enamored of the narcissist as his or her true nature is revealed.

(And it will be, because narcissists are obnoxious and can’t hide that fact forever. I know one narcissist, for example, who is disliked by just about everyone he works with. When I reported to him, people would regularly—without my prompting—express both their sympathies and their disdain. Still, he thought he was loved by all. Jerk.)

How Can You Survive Your Narcissist Boss?

In this case (as in so many others) knowledge is power. Read everything you can about these unsavory characters and the mind games they like to play. Then, believe what you read. Narcissists are very skilled at tugging at the conscience of those with better character.

For example, if your self-loving boss cavalierly suggests you engage in unethical behavior and you bristle, she’ll do her damndest to make you think what’s she’s asking is completely above board, and then she’ll pout and act outraged/deeply offended/confused as all get out that you could believe anything else. Don’t fall for that shit. Instead, stand your ground.

Here are some other ways to handle your narcissistic boss (courtesy of Dr. Simon):

• Know the narcissist’s tricks (see above).
• Stand up for your needs. As Dr. Simon rightly points out, your boss sure as hell ain’t gonna do that. Don’t be scared, speak your piece.
• Set boundaries and limits. Narcissists will stomp all over your rights if you let them, and even when you call them out and they say they’ll never do it again, you can’t count on it. Instead, you’ll have to keep reminding them of what you will and won’t accept, because these folks are mighty hard headed. And while you might find the prospect of all this vigilance unattractive, the alternative is worse.
• Be practical. Dr. Simon reminds us that narcissists have their needs, and it’s no good pretending otherwise. Do what you can (within your boundaries) to help the narcissist meet her legitimate business needs. 
• Develop as many other opportunities as possible. Keep your skills and your contacts current, because your ultimate goal should be to get the hell out of Dodge as soon as the time is right.
• Don’t take it personally. At times it’s going to feel real personal, but the narcissist is all about her. You (and everyone else for that matter) are an object to be used. Therefore, there's no reason for you to think her bad behavior has a damn thing to do with you.

I’ll add one other thing to the list: take LOTS of notes, especially if your boss is severely challenged in the ethics department. You’ll want that info to cover your butt and to give to the authorities if necessary. (I’m dead serious, here.) 

Also, if your boss is not only a vile human being but in violation of federal, state, or local discrimination laws, you’ll want the goods to nab him (or at least negotiate a good severance). And, that reminds me, do not hesitate to consult with an attorney (or two) if you believe the situation warrants.

According to one article, research indicates that “most horrible managers have a personality disorder.”

Wow.

Like I said, knowledge is power.

L.A. Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Says He “Loves the Black People,” But I Wouldn't Want Him For MY Boss

Holy cow.

I just finished listening to the audiotape (okay, “alleged” audiotape) of L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his girlfriend, V. Stiviano, discussing race relations.

Sterling took offense that Stiviano, who is half black and half Mexican, posted pictures of herself and Magic Johnson on Instagram.

According to Sterling, posting the photo was evidence of Stiviano’s disrespect for Sterling, because the photo broadcasted to the world that Sterling is hanging out with a half-black chick (as though that scenario is anything new) and apparently Sterling’s friends/buddies/business acquaintance/beats me wouldn’t like that idea.

Sterling tells Stiviano that it “bothers me a lot” that “you’re associating with black people.” 

In a plaintive tone he then asks Stiviano, “Do you have to?”

Later Sterling tells Stiviano she’s supposed to be “a delicate white or a delicate Latina girl.”

Hmmm …

When Stiviano corrects Sterling by telling him she’s “mixed,” he responds in a matter-of-fact tone, “OK. Well.” (I swear I almost heard Sterling mumble, “If you want to confuse the issue with the facts, then sure. Whatever you say.")

Stiviano asks whether Sterling wants her to hate black people, and he accuses her of “turning things around” and responds that no, he doesn’t want her to hate them, he wants her to love them—“privately.”

I gotta say, up to this point Stiviano was giving Sterling a run for his money, asking good, clarifying questions and arguing her position assertively but calmly (and yes, I'm assuming she knew she was being taped, but still …). 

But then Sterling asks Stiviano why she needs to bring black people to “his” games, and Stiviano asks incredulously:

“Why bring the black people to the games? … I …” (silence).

For the first time, girlfriend appears to be at a loss for words. (Not that I blame her.) 

But she gets it together again and tells Sterling "I'm sorry that you're still racist in your heart."  

Poor Sterling sounds crushed. In a defeated tone, he tells Stiviano: 

“OK, we’ve got a big problem here. I really don’t feel like going anywhere. I don’t feel like going to Europe, I don’t feel like just going through the whole thing. We’ve got a BIG problem.”

I’ll say.

Let me see if I understand this?

Sterling wants his half-black girlfriend to pass for a “delicate” white or Latina girl, ‘cause that’s hip, and here she is parading around with black folks, totally blowing her cover and his reputation. What a nerve. No more European vacations for you, girl! This here rips it. (After all, we KNOW that dignified whites and fragile Latinas would never be caught dead in a photo with the likes of that riffraff Magic Johnson.)

I don’t want to give the whole thing away, because each line (allegedly) out of Sterling's mouth is more incredulous than the last, and you owe it to yourself to hear the conversation with your own ears. It’s a somewhat shocking peek into at least one white man’s view of race in the USA—a man who apparently believes it makes perfect sense to tell his biracial girlfriend she needs to stop publicly associating with black folks even while he whines about how he “loves the black people.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. (Although to be honest, I did laugh out loud at some parts of the tape.)

But two things about this aren’t funny at all.

One is the idea that Sterling could be somebody’s boss, landlord, teacher, physician, lawyer, neighbor, or judge. 

Two is the way Sterling attempts to hijack the conversation and manipulate Stiviano into believing she’s not accurately comprehending what he's saying.

For example, when Stiviano asks whether it would be okay if the people in her Instagram photos were white, Sterling replies, “You’re just a big fighter. I can see – who would want to live with a woman like you?”

Wow. On behalf of women the world over—just ... wow.

At least have the gumption to own your junk, Sterling, instead of flipping the conversation and blaming your girlfriend’s so called pugnacious nature (and not your hideous opinions) for the conflict you suddenly find yourself embroiled in.

But then again, Sterling honestly seems to believe that his views aren’t controversial, merely pragmatic.

But you tell me—if you were a person of color, would you want Sterling as your boss (or in any other position of power over you)?

(For the record, I believe I’ve already had Sterling as a boss. And while I survived the ordeal, my answer to the above question is still hell no.)

The story is hot off the press, and as I write, no representative from Sterling’s camp has come forward to either deny or confirm that Sterling is speaking on the tape or to claim that yes, that is Sterling's voice, but his comments were distorted through editing. The NBA is reported to be investigating the matter.

The black community isn’t waiting for an investigation, however, and the Internet is filling up with various and sundry responses from high-profile members like Magic Johnson, Snoop Dog, and of course, Al Sharpton.

Holy cow. (Did I say that already?)

Happy Easter!

Moment of Truth: Your Boss Doesn’t Care About Your Kid Problems

We are, by and large, a nation of liars.

We tell big lies and small lies, and we lie for reasons both noble and depraved.

Mostly we lie to protect others or to protect ourselves from others—from their judgment, their interference, or their potential to hurt us if they knew the truth.

I’m fascinated by the lies people tell and thoroughly disheartened by how difficult it can be to tell the truth without risking privacy, employment status, or relationship.

One of the biggest lies we as a society like to tell ourselves is that we care about children, when we mostly don’t.

Our public school system is a mess, and we couldn’t give a fig whether working folks with children can earn enough to consistently put food on the table.  

So yes. We may care about our own children. But we really don't care about anyone else's.

But we like to pretend we do. 

At work, this fiction has major impact.

For example, consider how quickly a job applicant would be eliminated from consideration if, in response to that standard question—“Why do you want to work for ABC Company?”—she responded that she needs money to provide for her family, which is her first priority. (A truer answer than most others, I’d bet.)

Then think about how often you’re asked ("encouraged," “provided with opportunity,” or whatever you want to call it) to sacrifice personal time with your family to advance company goals and how well you’ll be regarded if your consistent response is "No thanks."

It’s common knowledge that pregnant women still face discrimination at work, as do women in general, simply because they either have children or have the potential to bear children—even though we all just love children!

And I'm reminded of something my mother once said to me: If a man really loves his children, he’ll respect his children’s mother.

A related truism? If we as a society really love children, we’ll respect their parents’ need to provide for those children.

But we don’t. Not really. 

And our lie about this instigates other lies at work—lies we tell to protect our time with family and especially, the little ones (and maybe even a few not-so-little ones) who depend on us. 

These lies are designed to keep our employers in the dark about how much our families mean to us, because if we’re too honest we’re bound to get labeled as not serious about work, lacking in commitment to the job, or some other nonsense.

I’ve already gone on record as stating that work-life balance doesn’t exist. My attitude is that sometimes work must take priority, and sometimes home and family must take priority.

But even that attitude isn’t good enough for some employers, who won’t view you as the best of the best unless you express a willingness to make work a priority all the time.

Ironically, whether you actually do consistently make work a priority is beside the point. Your employer is only interested in hearing the lie.

Because we are, by and large, a nation of liars.

But we don’t have to be.

So, if you’re a manager, I sure hope you do what you can to ensure your employees never feel compelled to lie about their priorities to make you feel good about the job they’re performing.

And if you’re NOT a manager, I hope you can find the balance you need to feel good about your performance as an employee and as a parent—without having to tell even a little lie to do it. 

When Saving Face Leads to Poor Decision Making and Poor Leadership

The importance of saving face in Asian cultures has been well documented, and Americans planning to work in Asia often are advised to get familiar with the concept.

But come on. American workers are okay with saving face, too.

A trusted boss early in my career taught me the truth of this, and I’ve been grateful ever since. Leaving people an out is many times the right, wise, and humane thing to do.

Take the day I received an angry email message from a senior manager (who’d copied his manager) that he hadn’t gotten his bonus pay, so where was it? He KNEW his manager had forwarded the paperwork to payroll!

I could have been tempted to correct this manager that he certainly had received his bonus, because I’d processed the entry and put the pay statement in the mail myself—but no. Instead I asked a question, because hey, stuff happens, even to assholes:

“Hi ______.

When you say you haven’t received your bonus, are you saying the money hasn’t been deposited into your account, or are you saying you haven’t received the paper statement? If the former, I’ll double check with your bank, because this week I processed and verified the payroll myself, and your bonus was included. If the latter, please know that I mailed the statement yesterday, and it may take a few days to reach your home.”

Now, let’s think about this for a moment.

Clearly, the employee wasn’t complaining that he’d received the money but no statement yet, because who the hell would care about that?

So, I already knew there was a good chance this person (a nasty bully who seemed to relish embarrassing people in public) hadn’t checked his damn bank balance, but I saw no reason to embarrass him by pointing that out or by stating the obvious—no paper statement in the mail is not the same thing as no money in the bank.

Well, waddaya know? After getting my response, the employee admitted he hadn’t reviewed his balance before shooting off his mouth email message, and after that initial admission, I never heard from him again (on this particular matter, that is).

But that’s okay. Another fire put out quick, fast, and in a hurry. That’s all I care about.

Giving this employee the benefit of the doubt—and an out—rather than getting defensive or God forbid, advising him to check his account before making assumptions followed by accusations about who hasn’t done what, would have had no effect but to prolong an unpleasant interaction. No thanks.

Allowing people to save face has its benefits for sure.

But saving face has its dark side, too.

Decisions, decisions!
Because when someone cares a little too much about saving his own face, decision making becomes clouded. In the worst case scenario, it becomes irrevocably compromised. 

In “Why Good Leaders Make Bad Decisions,” authors Campbell, Whitehead, and Finkelstein present research indicating that even good leaders can make abysmal decisions in the presence of three “red flag conditions.” Topping the list? “Inappropriate self-interest.”

(The others are “distorting attachments” and “misleading memories,” and those are fascinating to talk about as well, but I’m going to focus on the self-interest piece today.)

Campbell et al first published their research in 2009. I think it’s more relevant today than ever.

Why? Because we’re fielding more data than ever, and that means we have more stuff to sift through when making decisions.

In other words, decision making is getting more and more complicated.

And when things get complicated, people get stressed.

And when people get stressed, sometimes they begin to focus on themselves and their stress (even if unconsciously) and what certain outcomes would mean for them, personally—rather than the department, division, or organization as a whole—and that’s when “inappropriate self-interest” and the desire to save face rears its big old ugly head.

I’ll be honest. I’m as versed in CYA as the next worker, but I don’t have a whole lot of patience (and hardly any respect) for a leader who’d rather protect her self-image than solve a flippin’ problem.

It’s counter-productive, and it’s cowardly.

Don't be a sissy!
So, sure… when the price is low and the benefit is high, do what you can to help someone else save face.

But when the cost is high (say, a boatload of money  or someone else’s conscious), saving face is for the damn birds.

Grow a pair, already.

‘Nuff said.

What a Brand New Employee Needs from You Most

I’ll tell anyone who asks that I’m a proud cynic.

The definition of “cynic” varies slightly from dictionary to dictionary, but most say something along the lines of “distrustful or scornful of others’ motives,” and I think that’s a little harsh. I prefer to define my worldview as a pragmatic recognition that most people will most of the time behave so as to further their self-interests.

And I don’t consider pursuit of self-interest terribly shocking or awful, either, because for most of us pursuing what we want is not incompatible with living peaceably with others.

Frankly, I think the world could use a few more good cynics. At least then email messages like the following would produce fewer victims.

(This appeared in my inbox today, and I left ALL the typos in for authenticity.)

HELLO BENEFICIARY,

Congratulation,You have won yourself Us$1,500,000.00 from our database for using western union money transfer. I?m very glade in informing today that all necessary arrangement in effecting the payment to you as it have been programmed $4,000.00,USD in your payment file.All you need to do now:
Reconfirm your information to enable us make change of the RECEIVER'S NAME to your name,so you can be able to pick it up now.
Your Name:===========
Your Country:========
Your Tel:============
However: this is to inform you that we have been carrying on your payment as to enable us make sure that the payment have be complete before the year will come at the end.
Your first payment of $4,000.00, USD is already been Programmed into System.We only give you six digital number instead of Ten for security reason avoid hackers stealing the money online.When i receive your Informations i will release the remaining Four to enable you pick it up.
{MTCN}Control Number:869440xxxx
SENDERS FIRST NAME:Favour
SENDERS LAST NAME: Edwin
SENDERS COUNTRY...BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY: COTONOU
TEXT QUESTION: YOUR BEST GAME
ANSWER: FOOTBALL
AMOUNT: $4,000
Waiting for your information to make change of RECEIVER'S NAME to your name and release your MTCN to enable you pick up the fund.
Yours,
Rev.Favor Ralph
Email: w_union@terra.com
WESTERN UNION MANAGING DIRECTOR

Good grief.

But even I, an unabashed cynic, believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt until doing so proves unwise.

And when it comes to your brand new employee, bestowing the benefit of the doubt is especially important.

I’m talking about trust, people. I’m talking about treating your new employee as though you sincerely believe in his ability to competently do the job you hired him to do without an inordinate amount of oversight, double-checking, and second guessing from you.

Naturally a new employee will make mistakes (as will any employee, actually), but mistakes are how we learn. Mistakes, and the unpleasant feeling of failure, make lessons penetrate.

My good friend and consultant Helen Richardson has developed a coaching model called A New Way to Think about Work™, in which she proposes that work is a relationship. And it is.

So trust me when I tell you that treating your new employee as though you aren’t sure you made the right decision in hiring him is not a good start to the relationship.

That’s why whenever I teach anyone anything, I show him once, and then I leave him to do it. If, after reviewing his efforts the work is good, I congratulate him and move on. If the efforts are less than good, and I need to teach something again, I’ll do it. But my goal is always to show once and move on. It’s efficient, and it sends the message that I trust the learner’s ability to learn.

At some point, no matter how new your employee is or how much you perceive him as not knowing, you’ll have to relinquish control or risk compromising your new hire’s performance as his confidence wanes and his frustration grows—and that’s if he even decides to stick around.

So here’s the question you may want to ask yourself. What bad thing do you think will happen if you trust your employee to do the job without your constant supervision? And, how do you suppose your lack of trust is making your new employee feel about you and his new job? Do you think it causes him to trust you?