Moment of Truth: Your Boss Doesn’t Care About Your Kid Problems

We are, by and large, a nation of liars.

We tell big lies and small lies, and we lie for reasons both noble and depraved.

Mostly we lie to protect others or to protect ourselves from others—from their judgment, their interference, or their potential to hurt us if they knew the truth.

I’m fascinated by the lies people tell and thoroughly disheartened by how difficult it can be to tell the truth without risking privacy, employment status, or relationship.

One of the biggest lies we as a society like to tell ourselves is that we care about children, when we mostly don’t.

Our public school system is a mess, and we couldn’t give a fig whether working folks with children can earn enough to consistently put food on the table.  

So yes. We may care about our own children. But we really don't care about anyone else's.

But we like to pretend we do. 

At work, this fiction has major impact.

For example, consider how quickly a job applicant would be eliminated from consideration if, in response to that standard question—“Why do you want to work for ABC Company?”—she responded that she needs money to provide for her family, which is her first priority. (A truer answer than most others, I’d bet.)

Then think about how often you’re asked ("encouraged," “provided with opportunity,” or whatever you want to call it) to sacrifice personal time with your family to advance company goals and how well you’ll be regarded if your consistent response is "No thanks."

It’s common knowledge that pregnant women still face discrimination at work, as do women in general, simply because they either have children or have the potential to bear children—even though we all just love children!

And I'm reminded of something my mother once said to me: If a man really loves his children, he’ll respect his children’s mother.

A related truism? If we as a society really love children, we’ll respect their parents’ need to provide for those children.

But we don’t. Not really. 

And our lie about this instigates other lies at work—lies we tell to protect our time with family and especially, the little ones (and maybe even a few not-so-little ones) who depend on us. 

These lies are designed to keep our employers in the dark about how much our families mean to us, because if we’re too honest we’re bound to get labeled as not serious about work, lacking in commitment to the job, or some other nonsense.

I’ve already gone on record as stating that work-life balance doesn’t exist. My attitude is that sometimes work must take priority, and sometimes home and family must take priority.

But even that attitude isn’t good enough for some employers, who won’t view you as the best of the best unless you express a willingness to make work a priority all the time.

Ironically, whether you actually do consistently make work a priority is beside the point. Your employer is only interested in hearing the lie.

Because we are, by and large, a nation of liars.

But we don’t have to be.

So, if you’re a manager, I sure hope you do what you can to ensure your employees never feel compelled to lie about their priorities to make you feel good about the job they’re performing.

And if you’re NOT a manager, I hope you can find the balance you need to feel good about your performance as an employee and as a parent—without having to tell even a little lie to do it. 

Work-Life Balance—It Doesn’t Exist, Okay? Get Over It

It had been a stressful day in a stressful week, and the young woman who reported to me confided her concerns about her ability to satisfactorily manage the responsibilities of both home and work. She’d recently had a baby and just wasn’t sure she could handle everything.

I sighed. I’d had my oldest son while in college. I now had three sons, spanning in age from eighteen to three years. In other words, I’d spent my entire career as a working mom, and I knew—the reality of work-like balance, or “having it all,” as some women called it, often failed to live up to the hype.

So here I was, about to bust someone’s bubble. Again.

I told her, “It’s entirely possible to have a career and be a mom. But, you’ll have to make some hard choices along the way. Sometimes work has to be your priority, and sometimes family has to be your priority. So, you’ll probably feel guilty a good bit of the time. But if you want to do this, identify the people in your support group and expect to rely on them from time to time.” 

Not Buying It

But, that advice wasn’t good enough. The young woman continued to complain about the difficulties of being a working mom and how her daughter needed this, and her daughter needed that, and she (the employee) wanted to do this, that, and the other.

“Listen,” I told her. “Only you can determine what kind of parent you want to be and whether working full-time will allow you to be that kind of parent. There have been times in my career when I’ve decided that work interfered with the kind of mom I wanted for my children, and I had to make some changes.

Let Me Tell You a Little Story

I said, “When my older sons were little, they rode the school bus home. Usually the bus was late. One day I was working on something, I can’t even remember what, and I left work a little late, thinking it’d be okay. Unfortunately, the bus was early, and I was not there to meet it.

My sons walked home with a friend, but the friend’s mother wasn’t home, and the friend was under strict instructions to not let anyone in the house if Mom wasn’t home. So my sons walked to our house a few blocks away, hoping I’d be there. I wasn’t.

They knocked on the door of my neighbor, the one I don’t get along with too well, and she wouldn’t answer the door. So they sat on our front steps and waited.

When I got home, about twenty minutes late, saw my sons on the steps, and heard what had happened, I’d had it. This won’t happen again, I told myself. I would not have my 6- and 10-year-old sons wandering around the neighborhood, waiting on me. And I believed they were too young to be 'latch-key' kids.

The very next day I told my boss, 'I want to work part time.'

He was a great boss, and I was a great employee. He asked me to write up a proposal, and I did. We agreed on a trial period for the new schedule, which I was still working three years later.”

(I left out the part where I’d told my boss that I wouldn’t accept a reduction in pay, because I’d  already taken a pay cut to take the job—and he agreed. Come on. I was a good manager, not a saint.)

And Yet …

But there were other times, I told her, when I made the choice to focus on my career, and those were the times I relied more heavily on my husband.

This employee was married, but as a manager and a woman, I certainly knew better than to ask about her husband and where he fit in all this. However, I felt completely comfortable telling her what had worked for me.

The Last Straw

Still not content with my answer she sighed. “It’s good that your husband can help out.”

Did I mention that it’d been a stressful day in a stressful week? Yeah, I did, and I admit it, I was feeling a little exasperated at this point.

However, calmly I replied, “My husband and I negotiate these things. And other times we just fight.”

She said nothing after that, for which I was grateful. It’s not that I’m lacking in empathy. Far from it. But I desperately wanted this young woman to know that life involves choices. Building a career involves choices.

You’re Not Gonna Like This, But …

We’re not talking about a single mom making barely more than a living wage. She doesn’t have the luxury of debating the finer points of work-life balance. She has to do whatever she has to do to provide for her family. But career women, who work as much for the enjoyment of the work as for the financial rewards, need to understand as well that, quite frankly, their choices are their responsibility. I know, the truth hurts.

Hear Me Out, Please

Now, don’t get me wrong. As a manager, I provided flexibility both proactively and reactively. But the employee has got to act like a grown up.

Decide what you want. Ask for what you need. Be willing to negotiate and compromise. Lean on your support system. 

And get used to the guilt. 

Bill O’Reilly to Black Women—Stop Having Babies Already

Bill O’Reilly is on a mission. 

Single-handedly, he wants to solve the African American Problem.

This actually would be funny, except that um … it isn’t.

Apparently, O’Reilly has had it up to here with all the recent talk about racism against blacks. His position is yeah, racism exists, but the biggest problem African Americans face is the crumbling of the black family. And he wants to know why no one except him is speaking up about this. He wants to know—why haven’t leaders in the black community run promotions and campaigns urging little black girls to keep their legs closed? (Okay, he actually said, “stop getting pregnant,” but what I heard was the thing about the legs.)

Well, you have to give the man props for courage, I guess. Going on national television and asking young black girls to stop having babies is not for the faint of heart. Instead, it’s the quickest way to be accused of being a "super racist," and I’m guessing allegations of O’Reilly wanting to extinguish the black race can’t be that far behind.

Here’s my problem.

Having children that you can’t afford and aren’t emotionally equipped to raise is not a good thing, and it is tearing down segments of the black community. But, telling women to stop having children also isn’t good, for a whole host of reasons, not the least of which is—no one’s going to listen to you.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, in 2010 nearly 41% of children were born out of wedlock. That’s a pretty big percentage. So it’s clear that out-of-wedlock birth is a widespread cultural issue that is in no way limited to the African-American community.

Angelina’s doing it. Jennifer Hudson’s doing it. Jessica Simpson’s doing it. Heck, who isn’t doing it?

And so you say, “Well dear, those women are rich. They can afford to care for their children.”

And that’s when *&^% starts to hit the fan.

Because a woman would be well within her rights to respond, “Poor people shouldn't have kids? Are you serious? Money doesn’t make someone a good parent! And besides, whether I have children is none of your damn business. You can’t tell people to stop having kids! You stop having kids!”

See what I mean?

(And by the way, at age sixty-three, some might criticize O’Reilly for having a ten-year-old. Just putting it out there.)

And I have to say, I have difficulty reconciling a belief in God with the idea that some children shouldn’t be/shouldn’t have been born. In fact, I can’t reconcile it.

So here’s what I say.

No, you don’t have to be rich to have children. I certainly wasn’t/am not.

But if you’re going to have children, young black ladies and gents, then it is time to man up. (Gee, I’ve been saying that a lot this week.)

Commit to your partner, complete your education, and seek employment that will allow you to support said children. No complaining (at least not prolonged complaining) about what you don’t have, who won’t let you do what, and how things aren’t fair. We know shit’s not fair, okay? But you have a child now, so forget all that. If your family can’t or won’t help, then please avail yourself of the many agencies—governmental, private, religious, and secular, that are in business to help you on your way.

This is not the time for standing on can’ts, because you must. Otherwise, we’re going to continue to have what we have.

And that’s not good.     

Megyn Kelly Darn Near Rips Dobbs a New One For Anti-Working Mom Statements

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly was fit to be tied over the reaction of Fox Business host Lou Dobbs and Fox News contributor Erick Erickson to a Pew study showing that 40% of women are primary breadwinners.

Both Dobbs and Erickson pointed to the study as proof that the American family is in a bad way, and Kelly, herself a working mother, took extreme exception to the view that women who work aren't as good moms as the stay-at-home kind.

And while I wouldn’t expect Kelly to warm to this theory, I was a little surprised by her strong objections, because, let’s face it, Dobbs and Erickson aren’t exactly saying anything new. We’ve been hearing this stuff forever.

One thing I will say about Erickson, who wrote a blog in response to some of the criticism his views have generated, is that (the reference to feminists aside), I actually agree with him that “In modern society, we are supposed to applaud feminists who teach women they can have it all—that there is no gender identifying role and women can fulfill the role of husbands and fathers just as men do.”

Again, I want to leave the feminists out of it, because I’m not sure who’s behind this message, but I agree that someone is pushing it. It’s not popular to state a belief that men and women are different—and that what Mom brings to the table Dad doesn’t and vice versa. Which is not to say that all moms are one way, and all dads are another way—they aren’t—but moms are dads are different. Men and women are different. And before you say, “Well that’s obvious. Don’t be ridiculous,” don’t bother denying that there are plenty of single mothers who would tell you in a heartbeat that they don’t need no stinkin’ man to raise their babies. And while personally I agree that if push came to shove I don’t need no stinkin’ man either, my sons certainly do. And since my husband helped make them, he can damn sure help raise ‘em. I’m not sure why there’s controversy in that sentiment, but there is.

But as for working moms in general, well, I’ve been a working mom since Day 1, having gotten pregnant with my oldest when I was in college. So I know that at times it’s no bed of roses and that I get tired and cranky and don’t feel like cooking or checking homework, but it’s a choice. I like work and I like earning my own money, and I’m gifted at it, so I really don’t care who thinks I should live a more selfless life in complete tribute to my kids. Phooey on that. Kids grow up and develop their own interests, and I’m pretty sure those interests don’t include taking care of me in my old age. (In fact, I'm certain of it.) So, I better make a living. As for my husband, he’s a social worker. ‘Nuff said. (And if anybody wants to write to Congress about how social work agencies make millions—I’ve already seen the 990 for my husband’s agency so don’t bother disagreeing—and pay social workers peanuts, be my guest.)

And so, I enjoyed seeing Kelly hashing it out with Dobbs and Erickson, but at the end of the day, it’s the same old same old, and who cares ‘cause I need to make a living and pay my bills.

What about you?