'Tis the Season: Retrain Your Brain and Banish Family Holiday Stress for Good

Oh … the holidays!

Hot chocolate! Fancy cookies! Shopping for that perfect gift for that perfect someone while humming “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”

 Sounds pretty good, right? 

Sadly, for some the holidays are more stress than joy. The prospect of spending prolonged periods with family when relationships are strained, hostile, or otherwise unsatisfying can be a major source of angst and even lead to depression or noticeable levels of anxiety.

Philip Rodriguez (not his real name), a professor at a prestigious university, says “I have friends who don’t visit their families anymore because they just can’t deal with it.”

Rodriguez hasn’t made that decision yet, but he’s thought about it. ‘There’s a lot of dysfunction in my family,” he says. “My sister is schizophrenic and bipolar. She’s moody, controlling, and angry. All my life she’s manipulated my parents. [Growing up] many of the holidays were centered around her and her moods.”

And that’s just the tip of the Rodriguez family iceberg. As a single person amongst those with “attachments” (“If you are single you are looked down on. I could write a book about how awful it is to be single in this society”) and a non-Christian surrounded by religious kin, Rodriguez finds the holidays trying, to say the least.

“Each time I see my father he tells me I should give my life to Jesus. He’s 87-years old, and I don’t want to fight him… but can’t we just have a nice dinner without [him trying] to convert me”? asks Rodriguez.

Whatever the cause, family gatherings can morph us into insecure, misunderstood adolescents in no time. Old resentments rise up while old wounds that have never fully healed reopen, and before too long, instead of enjoying a time of celebration with loved ones, we’re on edge and on the defense, looking forward to getting back to our home base and into the space that makes us feel like us again: adult, assured, and in control.

How to Break the Cycle?

How can we break this cycle, and sooner rather than later, so that our time with family is something to anticipate with gladness?

Life empowerment coach Adina Laver, MBA, MEd, CPC, who earned her coaching certificate at the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching and has been helping hurting individuals “break the chains of their childhood stories” for the past 15 years (most recently through her affiliation with the Main Line Family Law Center), says that change is possible, and it doesn’t have to take years and years. During a recent telephone interview, she told me she’s coached individuals to greater happiness in just a few sessions.

What’s her secret?

Change Your Habits and Change Your Life

Laver says that in any relationship each party has developed a habitual response to certain triggers (i.e., “hot buttons”), and if we decide to change those habits we can change the situation. The key is coming to understand how these habits have developed, why they aren’t working, and what we can do about it.

According to Laver, “Research shows that 50% of our predisposition to see the glass as either half empty or half full is determined by genetics, and 10% is determined by our environment. So, a more difficult environment can make for a more unhappy person. But the good news is that leaves 40% up for grabs. We can control what we think … retrain the brain to ‘go down a new pathway.’”

In other words, we don’t have to let our relatives drive us crazy.

What Laver suggests sounds suspiciously like the power of positive thinking, which makes this glass-half-empty girl (hey, it’s genetic, remember?) a little skeptical. However, (mercifully) Laver isn’t saying we can make things true by wishing them so. Instead, she’s advocating adopting a deliberate mindfulness about what we will believe and act upon.

Says Laver, “When your relative complains about the dry turkey or how that dress doesn’t look that great on you, instead of focusing on you, you can turn the situation around and ask yourself, ‘What is going on with this person that [he or she] would say that to me?” In other words Q-TIP, or quit taking it personally.

It also helps to set goals in advance of the get together. Who would you like to spend time with? Which subjects are fair game and which would you prefer to avoid? Perhaps everyone is wondering when you’ll get married, have a baby, or get a job, and you’re dreading the moment the topic is broached. Instead, says Laver, give yourself permission to tell your curious relative “I’m really glad that you’re interested, but I’d rather not talk about that today. What else can we talk about?”

Ultimately, according to Laver, it’s about taking action to transform relationships that aren’t satisfying into ones that are.

“How will you get honor, regard, and respect from your relationships?” Laver asks.

One way is to test perceptions by asking questions. Because look, it’s not always about the other person. If a criticism hits a mark, and you think there may be a genuine issue, take the critic aside and gently probe for clarification. Laver advises asking your relative “Is there something important you think I should know?” and listening for the answer.

Each year the holidays come and then go, but your family is your family for life. Make this year the year you give the best gift ever—the gift of a renewed, more honest and more fulfilling relationship with someone you love.

Check out Adina Laver's website, Divorce Essentials (http://www.divorceessentials.net) or contact her at http://www.mainlinedivorcemediator.com/delaware-county-divorce-attorney or via email at adinalaver@gmail.com. You can also access a Main Line Family Law Center recording of “Surviving the Holidays When Preparing for Divorce here.

How Should HR Handle a Mentally Ill Worker?

True story.

I was working as an editorial assistant at a publishing company in the city.

I’d arrived at the office one morning and had barely settled in when a coworker asked whether I’d heard about Steve (not his real name).

“What happened?” I joked, “Did he kill himself?”

My friend paused and gave me a look. Turns out Steve had killed himself. 

Of course, I immediately felt terrible. And not just for making an insensitive joke. See, Steve was a sad person, and while I’d picked up on that, I’d had no idea what to do about it. He was several rungs up the ladder from me, and we weren’t close. Still, our limited interactions had been positive. He was a nice guy.

However, years passed, and I’d all but forgotten about Steve until today when I read "Addressing Suicide in the Workplace."

The article discusses how HR folks can help prevent a vulnerable worker from hurting himself.

Johnny Lee, founding director of Peace@Work, which has the mission of preventing workplace violence, is quoted in the article as saying, “We need to have people realize it’s OK [to talk about mental illness] … “It’s fine to ask … if you think someone’s hurting themselves.”

It’s a good reminder. Sensitivity to the prohibitions of the ADA would stop many an HR pro from approaching an employee, no matter how troubling his behavior, but really, it’s okay. And if the situation is handled properly, it’ll be more than okay.

I’ve found that just about every sticky employee relations issue can be handled well if you start and end with work. Talking about work keeps you on solid ground, so stay there by speaking with the employee about what changes you’ve noticed in her performance, whether lateness, or increased absences, or missed deadlines, or something else. (The article mentions weight loss or a “sleep-deprived appearance,” but personally I wouldn’t go there first. My experience is, when something serious is going on in a person’s life, performance will tell.)

I also highly recommend working in tandem with an employee assistance program (EAP), if at all possible. EAP counselors have seen just about everything and can be invaluable sources of information. And, whether you’re recommending an employee to the EAP or issuing a formal referral, your EAP account manager can walk you through the process. I’ve used PENN Behavioral Health with no complaints. And, as benefits go, monthly fees are quite reasonable.

Most of us will never work with someone who later commits suicide, and that’s a really good thing.

However, according to the National Institute of Mental Health in any given year 26.2% of adult Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. That’s greater than one in four, so odds are, if you practice HR long enough, you will face these issues. They’re tough, to be sure, but you can handle it, and you must.

Want Happy Employees? Yeah, Okay

Unless you’re a creative genius suffering for your art, Ghandi, or Dr. Gregory House, it would seem that people expect you to be happy all the time.

What is this obsession human beings have with happiness? I don’t get it. Happiness is not the end all/be all, as far as I’m concerned. There are other things besides feeling good with which to concern oneself, and sometimes feeling bad is downright necessary to deal with what needs dealing with, rather than “putting on a happy face” and “faking it till you make it.” Damn it, you fake it. I’m pondering a problem here.

And guess what? It turns out that at least one learned professional sees things my way (sort of).

In "4 Dark Sides to the Pursuit of Happiness," readers are introduced to the work of Yale professor Dr. June Gruber who says that the search for happiness can go wrong when we chase too much happiness of the wrong type, in the wrong way, and at the wrong time. Yup, that’s what her research indicates.

So here’s another thought.

Forget about Employee Happiness

Let’s eighty-six our preoccupation with employee happiness, hmmm?

"Randi reporting for duty, Sir! Man, I'm so happy to be here!"

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for functional workplaces. In fact, I’ve practically rendered myself unemployable ranting about jacked-up workplaces here on my blog. And I’m all for treating employees like actual human beings with thoughts, feelings, motivations, and agendas that are (gasp!) separate from their employers,’ even while advocating that said employees be held accountable for performing to standard.

But dang, articles like this one, and this one,  and this one  just make me nuts.

Perhaps I’m too stuck on semantics. I get the gist of the articles, after all. Miserable employees are not a good thing. But I, for one, have no desire to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. Happiness is subjective. Who can even define it?

And here’s the bottom line. A happy employee does not always equal a productive employee. Hell no. I’ve worked with employees so darn happy they practically floated across the room, but their work product was …. well, let’s just say it was wanting, okay?

Happiness Is a State of Mind

See, happiness is a state of mind that an employer can’t really control. So I say, phooey on that and instead let the HR pros and other leaders focus on creating the best darn environment we can—one that is respectful, safe, and facilitates communication, collaboration, learning, and innovation. Of course, people need fair compensation, so let’s get our wage policies and programs in order, too. But as for whether employees are happy? That’s for employees to decide.

Maybe I’m just wrong, but I firmly believe that my happiness is my problem. You, employer, need to pay me, not violate my rights, and treat me like an actual person. After that, the rest is on me. 

Think Your Boss is Crazy? Study Says You’re Probably Right

A recent article on PsyBlog maintains that many horrible bosses have a bona fide narcissistic personality disorder.

Not all experts agree whether personality disorders are real mental illnesses, but regardless of whether you believe a personality disorder is a sickness or more of a character disturbance, I’m guessing you wouldn’t knowingly choose a narcissist for a boss, right?

Or would you?

According to a study by Back et al, narcissists are quite likeable and charming—in limited social settings and before you really get to know them—like during a cocktail party or um … a job interview. And surprisingly, what seems to attract people to narcissists the most is their sense of entitlement.

But your boss doesn’t have to be a narcissist to be crazy. Oh no. He could be a psychopath instead.

According to a study conducted by psychologist Kevin Dutton, these ten professions harbor the most psychopaths:

1. CEO
2. Lawyer
3. Media (TV/Radio)
4. Salesperson
5. Surgeon
6. Journalist
7. Police Officer
8. Clergyperson
9. Chef
10. Civil Servant

You saw #1, right?

If you’re curious what makes a psychopath, Dutton has posted a quick and dirty test on his website. Maybe you could trick your boss into taking it? Or maybe it’s better not to know? You decide.

A common statistic is that nearly 1% of the general US population is psychopathic, but some have estimated that the percentage in certain sub-populations is much higher. For example, the number of psychopaths in prisons is estimated to be between 15 and 25%. 

And Dr. Paul Babiak, who along with Dr. Robert Hare (“grandfather” of the psychopath test) wrote Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work, estimates that within management positions, the percent of psychopaths is more like 4%.

Hmmm…

Here's the list of psychopath “red flags” from Babiak and 
Hare's book. (Dang straight I have my copy…)

• Inability to form a team
• Inability to share
• Disparate treatment of staff
• Inability to tell the truth
• Inability to be modest
• Inability to accept blame
• Inability to act predictably
• Inability to react calmly
• Inability to act without aggression

In The Psychopath Test (I had a copy but lent it out), author Jon Ronson jokes that after researching the topic he was meeting psychopaths everywhere, able to spot them a mile off. 

But the truth, as he knows, is that it’s not that easy. Not even for trained medical professionals.

Still, that doesn’t change the point—

You may not be crazy to suspect your boss is crazy. 

That's all I'm saying.