You Might Want To Keep That To Yourself

Do you have a big dream? I mean a really big dream? Something you want to be, or do, or aspire to? Something that makes you think, “Dang! Who do I think I am, that I could even think I might be able to achieve this?” even as you’re forging steadily ahead, seemingly unable to turn back?

Well, you might want to keep all that to yourself.

Not because someone might steal your idea and claim it as his own, but because, well … some people have a way of really raining on your parade. They tell you what you can’t do. They look at you with a disapproving expression they couldn’t hide quite fast enough when you share your latest plans with them, and you don’t need that right now. You need encouragement, and hope, and practical advice from someone who believes you really could do that fabulous thing that is your heart’s desire. You don’t need a naysayer (no matter how well intentioned) telling you that what’s good enough for her should be good enough for you. To each his own and all that—you’re not judging. But you want something different, and that ought to be okay, too.

Hear me clearly. I’m not talking about something completely, not-a snowball’s-chance-in-Hades, out of the question—like a five foot nine obese middle-aged woman becoming a ballerina and performing the principal role in The Nutcracker at the Met—although, heck, maybe that could happen, I don’t know. I’m talking about something you really could do, something you’re qualified to do, something you’re actually gifted at, and finally, you’re ready to go for it, but damn! You shared your dream with the wrong person, and now it’s all can’ts, shouldn’ts, shoulds, uncomfortable silences, and a marked lack of enthusiasm on her part.

Well, I want you to take heart. Sometimes people just don’t have your vision. They don’t have your confidence. And I don’t mean a lack of confidence in you and your abilities, although that may be part of the issue. I mean they don’t have your confidence in God, and they certainly haven’t seen him do some of the things you’ve seen him do. So, really, it’s to be expected that they don’t think you can do what you think you can do, and again, it’s okay. Time will tell. In the meantime, keep praying, keep hoping, keep the faith, and keep your more imaginative friends close at hand.

Three Cheers for the Cult of Character

Today I attended a webinar that explored the ways in which good character contributes to academic success in school-aged children.

During the webinar, participants were introduced to the work of Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman, authors of Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. In the book, Peterson and Seligman classify twenty-four character strengths under six virtues. For example, the Character Strength of “kindness” is under the Virtue of “humanity.” Click here for a complete listing.

The organization hosting the webinar, a national network of charter schools, integrates character development within its academic program, hinging its approach on eight of the character strengths and their corresponding behaviors.

I considered the timing of this webinar particularly fortuitous, as just earlier today I’d had lunch with a friend and we’d debated (okay, mostly I’d debated) how it’s possible for a business leader to consistently behave in ways distinct from his character. For example, let’s suppose a business leader says he values collaboration, cooperation, respect for others, and so on, but at every opportunity refuses to halt the behavior of his abusive managers when he has full knowledge of the behavior and full authority to end it. What can we say about this leader’s character? "We can say he's a wimp," my friend responded. And I say, okay, but let’s not rule out the possibility that he’s an abusive bully, too, albeit vicariously, because how else to explain his seeming indifference to others’ suffering?

I’d written earlier about Susan Cain’s book, Quiet: The Power of Introversion in a World That Can't Stop Talking and how comforting this introvert found Cain’s text. One of the most interesting chapters in the book is “The Rise of the ‘Mighty Likable Fellow,’” which is about the cultural shift from an emphasis on a person’s character to an emphasis on his “likability.” Cain writes, “In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable. What counted was not so much the impression one made in public as how one behaved in private…but when they embraced the Culture of Personality, Americans started to focus on how others perceived them. They became captivated by people who were bold and entertaining.”

She goes on to say—and this is the really fascinating part, I think—“One of the most powerful lenses through which to view the transformation from Character to Personality is the self-help tradition … Many of the earliest conduct guides were religious parables like The Pilgrim’s Progress, published in 1678, which warned readers to behave with restraint if they wanted to make it into heaven. The advice manuals of the nineteenth century were less religious but still preached the value of a noble character… But by 1920, popular self-help guides had changed their focus from inner virtue to outer charm—‘to know what to say and how to say it,’ as one manual put it.”

So, I for one am happy that some public schools are still emphasizing character, because it’s important, and as far as I’m concerned we’ve been focusing on this “good personality” stuff for far too long. I’m also happy that studies show that nice guys and gals don’t always finish last, at least not in the classroom. 

Shunning—Not Just for Religious Sects

You may have read about shunning in the Amish, Quaker, and Jehovah Witness’ communities, but did you know that shunning is also a common tactic of the workplace bully?

Shunning as a form of church discipline for the purpose of bringing a member of the community to repentance is one thing. Shunning as a form of psychological warfare is something else altogether.

Time out.

Every time I sit down to write one of these pieces about some really bad management technique, I say to myself—where the hell do all these assholes come from? Even Bob Sutton, author of The No Asshole-Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't, doesn’t have any answers for me.

Okay, back to business.

Bullies are masters of self-delusion.

Like most everything else the bully does, shunning is about power and control. By shunning, or ignoring, you, the bully hopes to exercise some control over you by causing you to act or feel a certain way. Let’s say the bully is your boss. Perhaps, like many targets, you’ve survived the bully’s mistreatment by having as little contact with him as possible. With limited contact, you can still get the directions, instructions, and feedback you need to perform while maintaining some level of peace and sanity. But now that your a-hole boss realizes what’s going on, he’s going to raise the stakes and shun you completely—forcing you to place yourself in his sphere from a position of stress and weakness, and that’s what he likes, the jerk. More simply, shunning can also be an immature form of revenge. The bully will cause you to feel isolated, anxious, and frightened, and that makes him feel good, because he’s evil  it’s a demonstration of his power, and oh yeah, he’s evil.

Now, I know I sound a little dramatic, but I gotta tell you, ever since I was a kid, bullies make me crazy. I hate bullies. Perhaps it’s because I’m an independent sort, and I do not like it when someone tries to impose his will on me by force. Even the creator of the universe employs persuasion and not coercion to bring you to his way of thinking, so who the hell do these bullies think they are? Or perhaps it’s my sense of justice, which, granted, is not perfect, but still, I do not believe there is any excuse for going out of your way to make another human being feel like shit. So, I hear stories from friends (and—full disclaimer—one of my good friends is being bullied at work right now) or I read testimonies like this one, and it makes me nuts.

So, what is to be done?

As I wrote in Bullies Need Not Apply, a lot of employers turn a blind eye to this behavior, so if you’re being shunned, you’re probably on your own. Yeah I said it. Even as a human resources professional I’m saying it, because if your HR department had any power, assuming it has the heart, to stop this crap it would have never gotten to this level. That’s my expert opinion. Anyone is free to disagree.

So, my very best advice is—please, please take care of yourself. If you’re a praying person, pray. Surround yourself with loved ones. See a medical doctor. See a therapist. Dust off that resume, because your ultimate goal is to get the heck out of there. Take a class. Document everything your bully does. Everything. Keep as much distance between yourself and the bully as is possible. And, as difficult as it will be, do your job to the absolute best of your ability, and make every effort to take the high road. Bob Sutton’s "Latest Tips for Surviving Workplace Assholes"  will confirm what I’m saying and give you additional information, too.

Godspeed, my friend.

Black History Month Monday—Blackamoor Art

Blackamoor figurines available for sale on Richard Trautwein's  Etsy shop, ToysnSuch.

I’ve written before about my extensive collection of decorating books and my interest in interior design. Within these books, I’ve seen many photographs of homes graced with Blackamoor statues, and I’ve often wondered, what are these things? Are they racist? Are they cool? What’s the history? Because I see them everywhere and not just as decorative home objects. I collect vintage jewelry, and I’ve also seen plenty of Blackamoore charms and pendants. They are expensive, but I still kind of want one, because some of them are quite beautiful. But I can’t get one, because I have no idea if that’d be okay, or if Blackamoors are to be treated with the same disdain as those Anthropologie Mammie candlesticks that had to be pulled from the shelves.

So, this Black History Month Monday, I decided to do a little research about Blackamoor figures and answer some questions once and for all.

According to Wikipedia (yeah, I know some like to diss the Wik, but I’m not one of those), in its most general sense, a Blackamoor is a depiction of a black African figure. Many times these figures are wearing some sort of headpiece and often they are adorned with jewels. Blackamoor as a decorative art form goes back centuries, at least as early as the seventeen hundreds.

But some people have serious objections to these depictions. Dolce & Gabbana was criticized as racist for the inclusion of Blackamoor images and jewelry in its Spring 2013 collection. When the fashion website Refinery29 reported on the story, commenter fakefighter responded, “And as per usual they featured NOT ONE black model this season, which had 87 looks! Black people are apparently not actual people, but motifs to be fetishised in clothing.” Even though I personally find many of these images quite striking, I think this commenter has a point.

Racialicious author Rama Musa posted an excellent article on the European obsession with African figures in which she wrote, “As early as the 1200s, African servants played a fashionable role in European courts. Rare, exotic, and expensive, their black bodies became synonymous with luxury.” Okay, this is getting a little creepy. She continued, “Marchesa of Mantua Isabella d’Este (1474-1539) went through extraordinary lengths to procure African children as human accessories.” Now it’s official. As one of my good friends would say, “What the food truck?”

But you know what? The human figure has long been portrayed in the arts. As I write this posting, I’m wearing a cameo bracelet depicting Victorian ladies. I know the historical significance isn’t the same, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that the artisan who crafted my antique bracelet very likely had in common with the artisans who crafted these Blackamoor figures a love of beauty and the desire to capture that beauty in art. It may be self-serving, but I could see myself purchasing one of these pieces (not those by high-end jewelers like Cartier that cost a gazillion dollars, mind you) and reclaiming it as an intriguing and beautiful portrayal of an African figure that has meaning for me because my ancestors were African.

What do you think? Should Blackamoor jewels and statutes be reviled or celebrated as lovely pieces of art?

Five Dead Dreams

Introspection and reflection are natural byproducts of age. Along with several of my friends, both male and female, I’m in the process of taking stock of my life and giving serious thought to what I want the second half to look like.

At the same time, mid-life is when you begin to realize that some dreams just gotta go. It ain’t  gonna happen. And not because you’re too old per se, but because you know yourself and what you are and are not willing to sacrifice to meet a goal.

So here then, are the top five things I’m never gonna be.

Lawyer—I always thought it would be cool to be a corporate lawyer—either the kind that keeps organizations out of trouble (not by covering up shit after the fact but by providing sound and reasoned advice before the fact)—or the kind of lawyer that really makes companies pay after they’ve failed to listen to the sound advice given by the first kind. Listen to reason or pay, that’d be my motto. I like to debate, and I have a logical and analytical mind that lends itself well to the reasoned application of facts. I also love research and writing, and while I can be a bit rebellious, I do respect rules. I’ve also been told I have a way of asking questions that sounds more like an interrogation than a friendly inquiry, but that’s not my fault. Don’t sit in my face and lie or talk nonsense and we won’t have any problems, okay?

Singer—I like to sing and have since I was a little girl. Indeed, one of the high schools I applied to was the Philadelphia High School for the Creative and Performing Arts, or CAPA, as it’s known here in Philly. During my audition I sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” a fact I now find vaguely embarrassing for some reason.

But alas, I wasn’t selected. Oh well. I entered the Philadelphia High School for Girls, and other than having to occasionally endure that particular brand of hell that is only created when a group of teenage girls gather ‘round, it wasn’t so bad. I received an excellent preparation for college, and for that I’m grateful.

Actress—It seems to me that it would be fun to do commercials. As a young girl, I’d make up commercials for fruit juice, or whatever, and rehearse my lines in my “actor” voice in front of the bathroom mirror.

“When my kids come home from school, they’re always thirsty. And that’s why I keep plenty of _____ in the fridge! _____ tastes great, and my kids love it. And because it’s loaded with XXX vitamins and minerals, I love it too! (Drink from glass and smack lips). Delicious!”

Damn, I was good.

Teacher—I entered college intending to be a teacher but changed my mind halfway through, and I still regret that decision a little bit. I’m a natural teacher. Christian once told me, “Your problem is you’re always trying to teach someone a lesson, Mom,” which clearly he didn’t intend as a compliment, but I don’t care because it’s true. However, at this point in my life I can’t see going back to school and getting into serious debt to earn significantly less, and education is in a bad way right now. But once in a while I still wonder if I couldn’t make this thing work somehow.

Rich man’s wife—Didn’t happen and ain’t gonna happen.

What about you? What did you hope to be when you grew up?

Is There a Doctor in the House?

I was talking with a good friend today about work, and we were sharing stories about other friends we know who are having a hard time on the job right now, because their bosses are not very nice people and they’re even worse bosses.

The conversation reminded me of another conversation I’d had a long time ago, more than twenty years earlier, in fact. During that conver-sation, I’d been confiding to a former supervisor, a physician, about a lousy work experience I was having, and I’ll never forget what he said. He told me that it sounded like I was working for a sick company.

I thought that was funny, and I laughed. But this former supervisor of mine wanted me to know that he wasn’t merely suggesting I might be working with a few “off” people. He told me that just like an individual can be sick, an organization can be sick. At the time, I was an editor and this physician was a clinician and researcher. Years later, I’d transition into human resources, and he would found an executive coaching company. I think about this and it occurs to me that his statement was something I really needed to hear and would have an impact far beyond the job I had at the time, and he, it turns out, was someone uniquely qualified to say what I needed to hear, and that pleases me.

So, I thought about Dr. Siegler’s comment when talking with my friend and about how it makes me sad that there are so many people who just hate their jobs and for all the right reasons. I’m talking about someone who hates his job because his boss makes him feel small, useless, or invisible. I’m talking about someone who hates his job because his boss is a yeller, manipulator, power monger, liar, or bully. Someone he can’t trust. Someone who most assuredly does not have his best interests at heart. Someone he has to guard against, instead of looking to for assistance, encouragement, and direction. And the truly alarming part is, when this behavior occurs in a sick, or dysfunctional, workplace, the issue is not the bad behavior of one individual. Instead, the issue is whole patterns of behavior that are replicated and tolerated, if not actually encouraged, throughout the organization. And it just drives me crazy that very few leaders seem to give a rat’s behind what’s happening on their watch. Putting aside for the moment the fact that productivity, morale, and mission is being compromised, people are being hurt, and it’s wrong.

The good news is that there is help for what ails these organizations. There are plenty of qualified and motivated coaches, trainers, and consultants to provide insight and practical tips for long-lasting and meaningful change. Of course, someone in control has to want the help. And when I read a statistic, such as I did today, that the United States ranks tenth on the Global Innovation Index, behind Singapore and Denmark, I can’t help wondering when that someone is going to ask for it.

God Is Not a Republican

Today I read a news story about comments State Senator Jason Rapert (R-AR) made at a recent Tea Party rally.

Senator Rapert seemed out of sorts because, as he put it, President Obama could not “take the time to attend a national prayer breakfast,” but had “invited all the Muslims to come into the White House” for a Ramadan dinner. He went on to say that he “wonders what he [President Obama] stands for,” and then declared that the President does not “represent the country that I grew up with,” and that “we’re gonna try and take this country back for the Lord.”

And I want to say, well ... good luck with that.

In my humble opinion, Senator Rapert is on a fool’s errand with this one. First, Rapert's mission of “taking the country back” is based on a pretty shaky premise in my view—the idea that there was a time in American history when people were more moral than they are now—and that’s just not true. It is true that there was a time when most people could quote the bible and nobody admitted to believing that God doesn’t exist (even if there was disagreement about who God is),  however, there is no evidence that the essence of humankind has changed since we first walked the earth. In other words, we are as bad now as we ever were, and the world's history reflects that.

Second, I’m certain the bible makes it clear that the struggle between good and evil has already been fought, and God won. Why then, does Senator Rapert feel the need to continue fighting? And whom is he fighting? Ephesians 6:12 tells us “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places,” but somehow I’m getting the feeling that Senator Rapert is talking about something or someone a lot more tangible than what the bible describes.

I think there’s a difference between desiring to be salt and light and fighting an imaginary battle in which you envision that your side is the good side with all the good people and the other side is the bad side with all the bad people who have somehow “taken over” this "virtuous" country and made it a bad place.

I guess what I’m saying is that I believe Senator Rapert’s focus is misplaced. If he wants to talk about this sinful world’s need for salvation, great. I’m a Christian, and I’m down with that. But when he wants to start talking about Muslims in a contemptuous tone, like they aren’t deserving of God’s grace, along with some foolishness about taking the country “back” to a place it never was, well, I think he’s wasting his time. Worse, I think he’s slighting the very God on whose behalf he claims to speak by implying that the bible is wrong to declare that at the core of the struggle between good and evil is the world’s hostility to Jesus. Put another way, this struggle is not about liberals' hostility to conservatives, or vice versa. 

I listen to Senator Rapert and I think about these song lyrics by Gungor:

 “God is not a man/God is not an old man/and God does not belong to Republicans/God is not a flag/not even American/and God does not depend on the government/But God is good/and God is good/And he loves everyone …” 

Amen.