As
we dive headfirst into the upcoming Christmas holiday, my brother Hank has
made a special request. He’s asked me to enter into a pact with him not to
complain about anything. His timing, while logical, is unfortunate, as I’d
already begun complaining and was all set to put those complaints to paper,
metaphorically speaking. But, apparently Hank feels the need to up his positivity
quotient, and I don’t want to be a hindrance to him. So I’ll give this thing a
shot, even though he wants the pact to be in effect through January 15th, and I
was hoping for more like January 2nd, myself.
I’ve
already proven that I can avoid temptation. Not more than thirty minutes after
I’d agreed to the deal, our father called, grousing about how he hates, just hates this time of the year, citing high
utility bills and oh, Christmas (he practically
spat the word). I bit my lip and said “Uh huh,” and mercifully Dad changed the subject.
Here
then, are all the things I won’t be
complaining about this season:
How
much I hate rearranging all my furniture to accommodate a Christmas tree./The
absurdity of spending good money to buy stuff for people who already have too
much and don’t want my crap, anyway./The crowds./All the “incidentals” (wrapping
paper, tape, bows, boxes, last-minute token gifts, tree lights, and so on) that
I forget to plan for each year and must be purchased after I’ve spent my last
dollar and am feeling good and cranky./Cheap wrapping paper (all I can afford,
see above) that rips while I’m using it./The never-ending food and toy drives./Here
a Pollyanna, there a Pollyanna, everywhere a Pollyanna, Pollyanna./The incessant
Christmas movies on the Lifetime channel. Where is my murder? Where is my mayhem?
Where are my obsessed, love-struck female psychotics? Bring them back!/“Hark
the Herald Angels Sing,” “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” and most versions of
“The Christmas Song.”/The “War on Christmas” controversy./School Christmas
programs that require special clothing and shoes,
for crying out loud. Thomas doesn’t wear shoes, and he definitely doesn’t
wear dress shoes.
Lest
you consider me a complete Scrooge, I want to say that I don’t dislike
everything about Christmas. I do like Christmas cookies, Christmas lights, time
with family, Claymation Christmas programs that take me back to my youth
(remember the Heat Miser?), and the good Christmas
songs. I also appreciate the Christmas message, but who has time to listen to that?
You
know what? It doesn’t matter. I made a pact, and I’m going to keep to it. No
complaining this season. Ho, ho, ho, and Merry Christmas, y’all!
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