Thursday, November 22, 2012

Cross My Heart and Hope To Die

Cheer up, Santa. It'll be over soon.
As we dive headfirst into the upcoming Christmas holiday, my brother Hank has made a special request. He’s asked me to enter into a pact with him not to complain about anything. His timing, while logical, is unfortunate, as I’d already begun complaining and was all set to put those complaints to paper, metaphorically speaking. But, apparently Hank feels the need to up his positivity quotient, and I don’t want to be a hindrance to him. So I’ll give this thing a shot, even though he wants the pact to be in effect through January 15th, and I was hoping for more like January 2nd, myself.

I’ve already proven that I can avoid temptation. Not more than thirty minutes after I’d agreed to the deal, our father called, grousing about how he hates, just hates this time of the year, citing high utility bills and oh, Christmas (he practically spat the word). I bit my lip and said “Uh huh,” and mercifully Dad changed the subject.

Here then, are all the things I won’t be complaining about this season:

How much I hate rearranging all my furniture to accommodate a Christmas tree./The absurdity of spending good money to buy stuff for people who already have too much and don’t want my crap, anyway./The crowds./All the “incidentals” (wrapping paper, tape, bows, boxes, last-minute token gifts, tree lights, and so on) that I forget to plan for each year and must be purchased after I’ve spent my last dollar and am feeling good and cranky./Cheap wrapping paper (all I can afford, see above) that rips while I’m using it./The never-ending food and toy drives./Here a Pollyanna, there a Pollyanna, everywhere a Pollyanna, Pollyanna./The incessant Christmas movies on the Lifetime channel. Where is my murder? Where is my mayhem? Where are my obsessed, love-struck female psychotics? Bring them back!/“Hark the Herald Angels Sing,” “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” and most versions of “The Christmas Song.”/The “War on Christmas” controversy./School Christmas programs that require special clothing and shoes, for crying out loud. Thomas doesn’t wear shoes, and he definitely doesn’t wear dress shoes.

Lest you consider me a complete Scrooge, I want to say that I don’t dislike everything about Christmas. I do like Christmas cookies, Christmas lights, time with family, Claymation Christmas programs that take me back to my youth (remember the Heat Miser?), and the good Christmas songs. I also appreciate the Christmas message, but who has time to listen to that?

You know what? It doesn’t matter. I made a pact, and I’m going to keep to it. No complaining this season. Ho, ho, ho, and Merry Christmas, y’all!

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