Keeper of the Code

I'm the only female in a house overrun with males—there’s my husband and then my three sons. Two of my sons are more or less grown, and the other is getting more grown every day. For this reason I’m the keeper of the code. I’m referring to the code that unlocks the TV-MA- and R-rated content on our television, of course.

Just reading the names of some of these “adult” programs makes me feel compromised—as though a shower, or a confession, might now be in order. Today’s search (done purely for purposes of this blog, I assure you) yielded the following delightful programs: Self-Penetrating Coed Sluts, Porn’s Raunchiest All Girls Sex, and (my favorite) Hot and Mature Ho’s.

I don’t even know if we have access to these channels, but I’m not taking any chances. I understand how boys are (and by “boys” I mean anyone with one X and one Y chromosome). They’re not trying to get into trouble, but curiosity gets peaked, a channel gets clicked (just for a quick look, honest), a boobie flashes across the screen, and the next thing I know my cable bill is sky high, and I’m left wondering how I managed to raise (or marry) such a pervert. Uh huh. Not in my house.

My college student, Adam, likes to complain that my need to control everything is a real pain and that many good movies are rated R. I agree, and if we’re talking about a movie released twenty years ago, I may be willing to bend the rules. But an R-rated movie of today is not like that of old. Not even.

It’s too bad, because I love movies and certainly can appreciate an intriguing story line and a talented actor. I’m just not comfortable with the “f-bomb” exploding in my living room, and I’m certainly not comfortable with gratuitous, semi-nude bumping and grinding filling the big screen on my watch.

Another thing Adam says is that it’s ridiculous that I don’t object to car crashes and blood spurts from heads blown up or bashed in but that I have a problem with sex (emphasis his). Actually, I do object to the violence, and I’ll most likely avert my gaze during any graphically violent scenes during say Criminal Minds or some such program.

Listen, I know that my standard isn't perfect, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. And so I, and only I, keep the code. See, I believe that the advice offered in the good book—that we should flee temptation—is wise advice indeed, and I’m committed to giving my family a head start in the race. Rightly or wrongly, I just don’t believe that most male people could resist wanting to know more about Big Breasted Bombshells. 

Just saying.