Monday, June 3, 2013

Last Rational Commenter Throws in Towel and Vows to Join the "Babbling Haters." Says, "It’s Just Too Hard To Keep Making Sense."

USA (AP) The world's last rational commenter, “2987whirlygirl,” says that effective immediately, she will no longer attempt to make sense when posting responses to online news.

“I’ve fought the good fight all these years,” she lamented to The Daily Chronicle, the local newspaper in her hometown of Anywhere, USA, “But it’s impossible. No one wants to have a serious conversation. It’s all, ‘Clearly you were raised by a prostitute’ and 'Die, you scumbag-loving (insert racial expletive).’ And all because I said that butter is definitely better than margarine if you want cookies that are crisp on the outside and moist on the inside.”

The last surviving member of the “Fearless Quintet,” a grassroots coalition of five Internet users established for the purpose of “promoting civility and reasonableness in the world of online debate,” 2987whirlygirl has stood dauntless while watching each of her fellow activists quit the group one by one. Three developed irreversible carpal tunnel syndrome from posting upwards of six-hundred and forty-two comments per day to random websites; the fourth simply lost his passion for the cause and became a writer for The Onion.

When asked by this reporter why 2987whirlygirl couldn’t grow a pair and take her virtual whupping like a man, she retorted “You’re mean.” 

Then, pausing to collect her thoughts, she continued, “I’ve wondered whether I’m too sensitive, sure. But when someone calls you a ‘dirty cow’ and then accuses you of bringing about the ruin of the free nation because you think Colin Farrell did a decent job in ‘Total Recall,’ it’s hard to stay positive.”

But why not stop commenting, for crying out loud, and just keep your damn opinions to yourself?

“I can’t stop,” 2987whirlygirl said. “I have something to say, and I won’t be silenced! I can be irrational, hateful, off-topic, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, and stupid too! If you can’t beat ‘em, then sometimes you just have to join ‘em.” Seemingly spent after this passionate declaration, she hung her head, sighed, and whispered, “I’m so tired.”

So what’s next?

“Now that I’ve made this decision, I’m ready to visit some of my favorite sites, like And the next time I get called a ‘fascist loving, Obama boot-licking ho’ because I say how much I hope to visit Hawaii one day, I’m going to fire right back that the commenter is a &^%& filthy dog who deserves to have his home infested with bedbugs.” Staring defiantly at this reporter she continued “I don’t make the rules, I’ve just decided to start playing by them.”

Good luck, 2987whirlygirl, good luck.

Benjamin Hooks is a freelance journalist in YourTown, USA who says that you’re a %^&!$ and your mother is a $%^%# if you don’t like his work.


  1. I'm not a %^&!$ and my mother (rest her soul) has passed. I love this article.